Colic Chronicles

I wish there was some sort of sage burning ceremony to rid us of the spirit-crushing, crazy-making colic. Piper was a peaceful, calm baby up until around the time of her due date (she was born 12 weeks early). And that’s when she decided to go completely bananas. Sometimes for more than four hours per day. And I’m talking about loud screaming as if to say: "I'm in pain and I hate you, you @ssholes!!"

After confirming there was no real medical explanation for this betrayal, I became convinced it was just our inexperience. We simply did not know how to soothe a baby, that’s the problem! But my mother, a baby expert, spent a week with us around the holidays, sighed and said: “you are really just going to have to suck it up and deal with this. It will pass. Eventually.”

So here is the list of things we’ve tried:

• Swaddling – hahaha
• Gripe water – didn’t seem to contribute to attitude adjustment, but did possibly make Piper’s gas smell like ginger
• ColicCalm – did nothing, but was good for a laugh because it’s inky black. You shoot into your baby’s mouth and then it oozes out. If you didn’t already think your baby was sort of behaving satanic, this would complete the picture for you
• Hyland’s Colic Tablets - these do sort of seem to work now and again, but she doesn’t like when they are administered and has become quite crafty. Most recently I thought I was in the clear with the dose and then after the smoke cleared, I found one on her cheek and the other on her lapel. Also they don’t dissolve quickly and tend to stick to her gums where they look like very white miniature teeth. One night Ryan said: “Look! She’s a jack-o-lantern!”
• Loud shushing - ineffective and made me dizzy after awhile
• Swinging - hated it!
• Car rides - loses her mind at stop signs and red lights. My friend Jennifer, also experienced with babies, once rode in the back of my Honda Civic with Piper and said in wonderment: “I’ve never seen anything like this.”
• Lullabies - whatever
• A $350 homeopath - ya, we got desperate
• Drastic diet changes on my part – I want an ice cream sandwich right now, soooo bad. Or just ONE SLICE of Little Star Pizza!
• Chiropractor - this maybe works sometimes a bit too, although I have to take her there in her car seat – see “car rides” above – which seems to cancel out benefits
• Cranial-sacral therapy – Our therapist surmised that because Piper’s early entry into the world was traumatic, we needed to go through a “rebirth.” So, we had a do-over -- only with us fully clothed of course and unfortunately, no meds -- complete with photos. Inexplicably I look as horrendous and puffy as I did the first time I gave birth to Piper. 
  

The single thing that has been the most effective is that we throw Piper over our shoulders – wayyyy over there with her arms and head dangling -- march around the house bouncing and chant a little something I made up (dum-da-da-da-da-da-da-dadum-dummm-dahhh) while vigorously tapping her lower back. We have spent countless nights doing this for hours. And if you get the chant wrong it totally doesn’t work. For example Ryan one day tried to change it to "Rythym of the Night”. You, know, just for some variety. It’s really no wonder that she thinks we are @ssholes.

Comments

[molly fast]

melissa! i'm loving these updates. i know this isn't funny, necessarily, but you certainly seem to be making the best of it!

[Nicole]

Remember that Sex & the City where Samantha gave the baby her "massager" and the vibrations calmed him? Seriously though, my little brother was severely colic-y and it seems that motion and vibrations calm them (hence Piper's calm and then screaming a red lights).

more importantly, LOVE her outfit...

[Danielle]

OK, i don't want to be that annoying person that suggests something you've already tried. (and, as a side note, I love Nicole's suggestion, above). you said you tried swaddling, but was it with regular blankets, or with a special blanket. i used the miracle blanket with my second, and it really worked. http://www.miracleblanket.com/.

i also used plain old mylecon (sp?) drops with both of mine. they were bottle fed and had terrible spells around week 6. you've prob tried both, and are rolling your eyes and laughing at me for even mentioning, but i thought i'd suggest them anyway. good luck. and write more!